With the start of a new year it seems everyone is reflecting on new goals and aspirations for 2020, and leaves 2019 in the past. They look at what 2019 brought, and focus on the hopes and dreams they want 2020 to bring. Now don’t get me wrong, I felt this way last year. At the start of 2019, I felt hopeful and excited. I felt like my life was just getting started and we were “getting to the exciting stuff now.” Graduating college, getting married, moving states away, figuring out graduate school. Yes, it all seemed like it would fall into place.
But what do you do when instead your world comes crashing down? When it feels like everything you hoped for and dreamed of gets shattered into a million pieces and leaves your heart broken into just as many. Then what?
I did graduate from college. I did get married to my best friend. I did move states. I am figuring out graduate school. But there was one thing that wasn’t in the plan. One thing I thought wouldn’t happen, I thought it was in the past and we were safe from it. One thing I prayed to never happen. On what seemed like a normal day on August 1, 2019, that one thing happened. My brother died by suicide. There’s now confusion, physical pain you didn’t know your heart could feel until something like this occurs, and the constant ‘why?’…
But suicide doesn’t get the last word. Mental illness doesn’t get the last word.
I refuse to live the rest of my life having people think of my brother as the guy who had schizophrenia and committed suicide. I refuse to live the rest of my life not doing anything about it, not telling his story. I refuse to let the devil win. He doesn’t get the last word- God does.
In the midst of this pain, I know I have to tell my brother’s story. I knew it before all this happened. I can remember thinking how powerful his story is, how strong he is, and how much of an inspiration he is to others. And that is still true now- my brother is still the strongest person I’ve ever known and I’m going to use his story to help others. Some how, some way.
This may take a while. When I sit down to write posts, I don’t know where to begin. I have a handful of drafts with topic ideas but no clear thought of where to start. My mind goes in a million different directions of things I want to say. Things I need to say. I pray for God to show me what to do, but at the same time I feel like I can’t pray. I know I need to, I want to. But prayer isn’t just about how you’re feeling. Even when I don’t feel God’s presence, He’s still there.
Today’s sermon at church hit home and was exactly what I needed. It was titled, ‘Why is there pain and suffering in the world?’ and talked about the four lights to navigate the fog of pain/suffering: God is not the author of pain and suffering, God infused pain with intrinsic value, God uses pain for our good, and God trumps pain with his redemptive purpose.
Genesis 50:20 says, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Every time I read this verse I imagine saying it to the devil- what you intended to harm, I will instead use for good. Pastor Randy said, “what satan intends to discourage, depress, and deprive–God uses for His purposes!” You can grow bitter and hold onto the pain, or grow better and allow God to use it for His glory. I choose the latter.
Ciara
Ciara, I didn’t know your brother and didn’t even know you had a brother until your wedding. I didn’t even realize he was ill at your wedding. He seemed so happy and relaxed. In your wedding pictures he seemed so happy and you could see the love being expressed in all your smiles and happiness. What I’m trying to say is that I truly feel that God used this most lovely day to give your brother a day that he needed and a day of beautiful memories to leave you and Trenton. His baby sister now had a life time guardian and he knew that he was leaving you in the best of hands. I pray that the legacy your brother left you with will give you the support and encouragement you need as you tell his story and help others. We have to remember that our Heavenly Father uses everything to the good and for His Glory even when we don’t understand. Blessings for a future built on the firm foundation of your faith and your love for Trenton and your Heavenly Father.
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Thank you very much Martha. That is very true.
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Dear little Ciara I can’t even imagine what all of you have been thru all the years of Willies illness. I can imagine some( and I do mean only a small part ) of what he went thru over the years dealing with depression. Depression is awful let alone the other. Depression is the darkest place in the world. When your mind is there and out of control and you think your only a burden to the ones you love, there is no darker spot. I’ve been there twice in my life and I pray Lord if I have to go back take me home now please. Mine was caused from a medication the Doctor had me on the last time and I wasn’t aware that it could take me there ( to depression). Took ten years for me to get over the last time. I only had to live in depression so never could I ever imagine what Willie had to go thru.
My heart aches for all of you so much but i could never find the words to express the sadness and how it aches for Willie. The suffering he had to go thru and the darkness his mind has had to be in all those years.
I am so pleased that you are going to write Willies story. The help that his story will be to people that are walking in his steps. The hope of finding help, being understood, knowing their not alone. I can’t even imagine how God will use his story for others. I sure know God doesn’t cause those things to happen but I do know he will use them for help for others and his glory. I will pray you will find the words to write Willies life story and that his love will live on to help others. He sure left a legacy of love with his little sister whom he loved dearly.
Love you guys Bonnie
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Wow, this is such a powerful post and thank you for being so open with your personal struggles.
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Thank you so much for reading!
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